Confession, first part

As it happens, when I was just a kid turning into my adolescent years, it was when a quick and powerful revolution went through my mind, body and soul. There were a few specific events that made me learn a lot within only a few months. Such events created in me a necessity to learn even more; and then to turn all that learning into venturing and exploring, sometimes even risking my wellbeing. A couple of examples of such events are described here.


I was about ten years old when once I was playing by myself making up words. I selected two different syllables and started reciting all the combinations I could create with the five vowels on each. At one point in time my older sister interrupted me abruptly saying that I should stop saying bad words; that that was swearing and that I knew it. I replied saying I was doing nothing wrong, and that I was not swearing or anything. She was mad, and promptly went to tell dad about it. My father went rushing to warn me that I should stop my silly game and to ‘reassure me’ I knew such word and that I needed to stop pretending I did not know it, or else.

When my fearful shaking ceased, I had a plan in mind already. It was very likely that my older classmates knew what such word meant. So, the next day at school I learnt not only the meaning of that particular word, but also many others that I never knew existed. I learnt when and how to us them, all their meanings and combinations and way more than what I could possibly imagine. That was a very good day for me.


One other day when I was ten or eleven, I drew and painted a very stylish female silhouette that was a combination of pictures I had seen in various magazines, catalogs and the newspaper. I was very good at drawing and painting; so the final product on one of the pages of my sketches notebook looked very good. I was proud of my work and I showed it to a couple of classmates. Within a few minutes my drawing was something everybody in my classroom and even some students from other classes saw or wanted to see. There were many exclamations, questions and disbelief I at my young age had done such thing. I was all smiles all the time; I was so excited that after class when I could finally recover my notebook I went home to tell my mom all about it. When I got home, my smile quickly disappeared because I faced a mother with a frown that meant something was very wrong. I realized my good news would have to wait until whatever happened was dealt with and done.

However, the problem was that she, along with the whole school staff and even some neighbours, knew already about my “inappropriate” drawing. The nagging was long and unbearable, and what was worse was that my dad did not know yet. As soon as he’d know I would certainly pay the price of my devilish constructed creation. I survived that day, of course.

The next day I found myself, yes,  asking the older classmates what was wrong with the picture, and not only that, but I also asked why something like that would offend anybody. The answers were many, long and strange sometimes. I ended up having more questions that did not receive an immediate response; therefore I was forced to look for answers at the library. You can imagine the look on the librarians when I asked for specific books on this and that. I lied about my age and school grade in order to obtain them, and I also lied about the deadlines for my “homework” and even ventured to say I would flunk one more year again if I did not turn my homework within a week. Reluctantly at first they provided the books. Later, when they watched me compulsively and impetuously take notes for hours, they became more cooperative.  It was, needless to say, an enlightening week.


After a few events like these, I realized I needed to learn about everything and anything. I devoured books on subjects as varied as World War II, the origin of life, the Mongol empire, amphibians, space exploration, Buddha, the revolution, the Kama Sutra, Greek mythology… you name it.

Within a few years, around twelve years old, I had lost my mental virginity. It was just a matter of time, a little bit of effort and linking a few ends that caused me to open my eyes and my mind; and although somehow painful, I found myself renouncing to all fanatical dogmas and social doctrines. The previous years were just what anybody would say is normal for a working class family boy, the ones after that pivotal age were something similar to a huge and long rollercoaster ride, in the fog.


It was then around thirteen that I started venturing into relationships outside the family circle. Shyly at first, but confidently after some experiences. For example, I started to look for the opposite sex elements to learn and explore even more. That is, until suddenly life abruptly took me to a strange path.

However, it was a couple of years later that I started to want without noticing. Although I believe it was love at first sight, at that age I did not realize it. Through the years, such affection would grow to become a passion that was close to fanaticism, but even when my desire was at the peak I still did not notice it consciously. It could have been that my immediate and survival needs were way more important than focusing or reconnecting with my affections, and therefore I kind of declined and resigned to lose an opportunity that would never present itself again. Or for a long time.

And that was it. An upbringing full of adventures, teenage years of hiding knowledge and inclinations (I was by choice a member of a minority then), and a sudden adult life full of responsibilities that never allowed enough time to focus on personal matters.

That is, until recently.


About Héctor M. Curiel

Hector M Curiel Writer
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